本来以为今年自己大概不会再写年终总结了，因为期末季逼人疯，也因为不再像几年前一样蓦地就蹦出几句文艺风的话来感叹世事。
可是最后，我还是在这样一个意外早醒的早晨，开始了这篇年终总结。总觉得如果不将每年的事情记录下来，每年的心境反应出来，大概会彻底忘却吧。毕竟白驹过隙，现在翻看去年的日志和说说，再难回忆当年的感受了。
很难定义 2015 的主题是什么，作为在大学度过的第一个整年，褪去了第一个学期的无知与彷徨，一方面感觉自己明确了自己的追求，不慌不忙的前进着。另一方面，也时常有种被人夹着往前走，尝试跳出来，却又左顾右盼，犹豫不决。很难说现在做的事情未来究竟是否有意义，又或者本就有无意义之说。不过仔细想来，这种问题我也觉得多想无益，好在时间也无法容我在这些哲学问题上多花时间。虽偶尔想想也会让人有些迷惘吧。
至于这一年的大事，说起来也不过那么几件。一月和一群小伙伴去了云南，然后一个学期顺顺利利过去，回去参加招生，再飞赴台湾，又来到西安。这段经历美好，却依旧留存遗憾，这大概就是人生吧。军训把在家的日子平分成了两个半月。在郊区痛苦，煎熬，但夕阳总能给人以动力和希冀。开学第一周托福惨败，虽然现在二刷完了依旧心里没底。十一和一群超级爱的人，十人行走遍大连。不能再赞的旅程，至今想来还会笑呢。期中，托福，转眼又到期末，又是年关。看来又躲不过一年最后一天考试的命运，不过也既来之则安之。
还想特别说下其中一件特别让我难受，难过的事。从来没想过自己会因为一件事如此崩溃，那就是托福。第一次觉得自己那么弱一无是处。黑暗的日子过得让我生不如死，却又无法释然，无法解决。只能硬着头皮向前。现在过去了，也觉得后怕。我不明白，为何别人看起来轻而易举，而我九牛二虎也无法与之相比。最后也就无奈，我只能不去想结果，只是做下去。也不知这是一种妥协，还是一种积极。
一年的最后，感谢一个人，那个我用尽前 18 年运气遇见的上天的礼物。在一起八个多月，每一天看着你深情的双眸，我都是幸福的。语言早已无法表达。其他的话，我要悄悄和你说。
写了这么多，觉得早已失了前两年的文采，真的需要多读书补一补。16 年要是有什么愿望的话，其实也很简单，不过既然说出来就不灵了，就暂时保密啦。
最近突然喜欢那首小幸运，我也不知道为何，就以它做结吧，继续复习去。
致我的 2015，我的十九岁
I'd assumed I probably wouldn't write a year-end review this year — finals season drives you mad, and I don't blurt out a few literary lines about the state of things the way I did a few years ago.
But in the end, on a morning I unexpectedly woke early, I started this one anyway. I keep feeling that if I don't write down what happened each year, and get down what frame of mind I was in, I'll forget it entirely. Life passes like a white colt through a gap; going back through last year's journal entries and posts, it's already hard to recall how any of it felt.
It's hard to say what the theme of 2015 was. As my first full year at university, with the ignorance and drifting of that first semester shed, on one hand I feel I've made what I'm after clear and I'm moving toward it without hurry. On the other hand, I often feel wedged along by other people, and when I try to step out of it I look left and right and can't decide. It's hard to say whether the things I'm doing now will mean anything later — or whether meaning is even a thing here. But thinking it over, I don't find it useful to dwell on questions like that, and fortunately time doesn't allow me to spend much of it on philosophy. Though the occasional round of it does leave me a bit lost.
As for the big events of the year, there were only a handful. In January I went to Yunnan with a group of friends; then a semester went by smoothly; then back for the admissions work, then a flight to Taiwan, then Xi'an. It was a lovely stretch and still left regrets — which is probably just what life is. Military training split my time at home into two halves of a month and a half each. Out in the suburbs it was painful and grinding, but the sunsets could always give you drive and something to hope for. In the first week of term I failed the TOEFL badly, and even now, after a second attempt, I have no confidence about it. Over National Day I walked all over Dalian with ten people I love enormously — a trip that couldn't have been better; I still laugh thinking about it. Midterms, TOEFL, and then suddenly finals again, and the year's end again. Looks like I can't escape the fate of sitting an exam on the last day of the year, but since it's here, I'll make my peace with it.
I want to say something in particular about one thing that made me miserable: the TOEFL. I never thought one thing could break me down like that. It was the first time I felt so weak, so utterly useless. Those dark days made living feel worse than not, and I couldn't let it go and couldn't solve it. All I could do was push forward with my head down. Now that it's over, it still frightens me in retrospect. I don't understand why it looks effortless for other people while I can move heaven and earth and still not compare. In the end I gave in and simply stopped thinking about the result and kept doing the work. I don't know whether that's compromise or resolve.
At the end of the year, thank you to one person — the gift from heaven I met by spending all the luck of my first eighteen years. Eight months and more together, and every day I look into your earnest eyes I'm happy. Language stopped being able to say it a while ago. The rest I'll tell you quietly, just to you.
Having written all this, I feel I've long since lost the flair of the past couple of years; I really need to read more and make it up. If I have a wish for 2016, it's actually quite simple — but since saying it out loud breaks the spell, I'll keep it to myself for now.
Lately I've suddenly taken to A Little Happiness, and I don't know why. I'll end with it, and get back to revising.
To my 2015, my nineteenth year.