翻了 2012 年以来的所有日志，好像来自上辈子，不知不觉已经 5 年了，好多尘封的记忆涌上心头。当时的自己，还在怀念初中，如今大学都要毕业了，当时的那些小心思，多愁善感，好像也很久没有了。再看看 QQ，自从换了手机，半年都没打开登陆，不禁让人感叹，时代是变了。
可是我为啥还在这里逼逼呢，可能就想在这里，给自己留点话吧，5 年后的自己，能看看现在的自己想着什么事，就像自己现在看 12 年的日志，是幼稚，却也幼稚的可爱，这才是青春吧。
突然想起科比，他的时代算是真的过去了，于我而言，有时候也会觉得这两年好像也是一段青春的终结，虽留恋，却也觉得善始善终，安然前行。那天收到了 @章天艺 去看湖人比赛的时候的包，一瞬间恍惚，湖人不是当时的湖人了，我们也不是那时的我们了，但好像生活也在往好的方向走。以后看现在也是这样吧。
平安夜一帮人玩完桌游，在南门外的餐厅吃饭，席间大家聊起欧洲交换，才突然惊觉，已经过去一年了。如今想来真是太让人怀念了。和室友聊起一起在巴塞罗那的那天，看音乐喷泉从最后一排，一直到第一排，回来的路上，路过肯德基，4 个人进去啃了十几个鸡翅，在大马路上大吼大叫。第二天去了蒙锥克山，在山顶往下看，整个巴塞罗那尽收眼底。我找出了这张图。
蒙锥克山顶的巴塞罗那
真是羡慕那时候的自己。
突然朋友圈又开始晒 18 岁照片，好像也不是多久远的事，但是又感觉非常遥远。这四年的成长，大到让人不敢相信。关于未来一年，好几次下定决心，又有一点点动摇。不过感觉最后还会这么决定吧，那就又会是一个巨大的挑战，不过总是呆在自己的舒适圈里总不是办法，总是要有所突破的对吧，既然理性分析之后，结果如此，又何必用其他种种说服自己呢。
这一年，心态明显比前两年好多了，很多事情可以剥离一些主观感觉理性思考，不太受到感情的左右，可能是欧洲慢生活的沉淀，希望可以保持吧。同时也感觉这一年对世界的认知有些不同，愈发觉得，要独立思考，也不能太固执，要多和别人交流，善于接触新生事物，做事尽量往长远看，而不是只盯着蝇头小利。希望能够自勉，几年后，十年后的自己，不要成为一个油腻的中年人。
身边的人也都慢慢有了着落，有爱我关心我的男票，我坚强后盾的好朋友，觉得还是非常开心的。想想毕业前的澳大利亚，泰国和正在策划的美国之行，好像也有梦可期。可能最后一个在学校的半年，好好珍惜吧。
今天考完三门双学位，还有点蒙。最近都有一种不真实的感觉。复习的时候，又听上了高三经常听的一首歌，给未来的自己。
这首歌，有点像自己对自己未来的期待。再也写不出那些文艺的文字，也是一些东拼西凑的只言片语。2018，期待改变，也期待新的开始。
谨 纪念我的 2017 我的二十一岁
I went back through every journal entry since 2012, and they feel like they're from a past life. Five years have gone by without my noticing, and a lot of sealed-up memories came flooding in. Back then I was still missing middle school, and now I'm about to graduate university; those small preoccupations, that sentimentality, seem to have been gone a long while. And looking at QQ — I haven't opened it in half a year, since I changed phones — you can't help but note that the era has changed.
So why am I still rambling here? Probably because I want to leave myself a few words. So that five years from now I can see what present-me was thinking about, the way I now look at 2012's entries: naive, but endearingly so. That's what youth is.
I suddenly thought of Kobe. His era really is over. For me, these past two years have sometimes also felt like the end of a stretch of youth — I miss it, but it also feels like it began and ended well, and I can go forward at peace. The other day I got the bag @Zhang Tianyi brought back from a Lakers game, and for a second I was disoriented. The Lakers aren't the Lakers they were, and we aren't who we were, but life does seem to be heading somewhere good. I imagine looking back at now will feel like this too.
On Christmas Eve a group of us finished playing board games and ate at a restaurant outside the south gate. Over dinner people started talking about the Europe exchange, and it suddenly hit me that a year has already passed. It's so nostalgic now. My roommate and I talked about that day in Barcelona, watching the magic fountain from the back row all the way up to the front, and on the way back, passing a KFC, the four of us going in and demolishing a dozen-odd chicken wings, then yelling our heads off in the middle of the road. The next day we went up Montjuïc and looked down from the top with all of Barcelona spread out below. I dug up this photo.
Barcelona from the top of Montjuïc
I really do envy the person I was then.
Out of nowhere everyone started posting their eighteen-year-old photos again. It doesn't feel that long ago, and yet it feels enormously far away. The growth of these four years is almost unbelievable. About the year ahead: I've made up my mind several times and then wavered a little. But I think I'll land in the same place in the end, and that will be another huge challenge. Staying inside your comfort zone forever isn't a plan, though — you have to break out of something, right? And since a rational analysis lands here, why work to talk myself into anything else?
This year my state of mind has been noticeably better than the previous two. I can strip some subjectivity out of a lot of things and reason about them, and I'm not so swayed by feeling. Maybe that's the sediment left by Europe's slower pace; I hope I can keep it. I also feel my understanding of the world shifted this year. More and more I think you have to think independently and also not be too stubborn; talk to people more; be good at engaging with what's new; and look at the long run rather than fixating on small change. I hope I can hold myself to that — and that the me of several or ten years from now doesn't turn into a greasy middle-aged person.
The people around me are gradually finding their footing: a boyfriend who loves and looks after me, good friends who are my solid backing. It makes me quite happy. Thinking about Australia and Thailand before graduation, and the US trip being planned, there are dreams worth waiting for. This last half-year at school — I should make the most of it.
I finished three exams for my double degree today and I'm still dazed. Everything's felt unreal lately. While revising, I got back into a song I listened to constantly in my final year of high school: To My Future Self.
That song is a bit like what I hope for my own future. I can't write those literary lines anymore either — this is a patchwork of fragments. 2018: I'm hoping for change, and for a new beginning.
In memory of my 2017, my twenty-first year.